My hand turned me down
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
