You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
