i already hear my dad disowning me
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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