Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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