I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Randomize
