the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
