Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
50% drunk capacity currently
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
