guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
