so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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