Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
