dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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