Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
