i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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