They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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