I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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