Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
