just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
