You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize