3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
And then he peed in my hair
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