Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
