Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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