I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
