My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
