youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
