Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
