Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
