While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
