My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
