Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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