omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
