He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
