that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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