i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
