Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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