I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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