how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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