I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Dicks are not precious.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
