Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
