OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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