Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I got inside last night via doggy door
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
