the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
