Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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