I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
