I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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