i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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