i barfeds in our rink
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
