did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
