If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
pray to the hookup gods
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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