probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
