he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize