Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
