I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
