That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
