he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
