The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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