hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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