so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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