I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
